My Negative Feelings Series Introduces: STUCK WITH NEGATIVE EMOTIONS?

Emotions: Negative or Positive

Emotions are a fundamental aspect of your human experience, shaping how we perceive and interact with the world. Psychologist Paul Ekman initially proposed seven basic emotions: fear, anger, joy, sadness, contempt, disgust, and surprise. Over time, he refined his theory to focus on six primary emotions: fear, anger, joy, sadness, disgust, and surprise. In social discourse and psychology, these emotions are often categorised as positive or negative, with fear, anger, sadness, and possibly disgust falling into the "negative" category. But are they truly negative?

What is the Function of Emotions

Emotions serve as crucial signals that provide us with data and information about our current state in relation to the world around us. They reflect our internal experiences and our interactions with our environment. Emotions inform us of our needs, desires, and reactions, guiding us daily. Without emotions, we would lack a vital means of understanding our experiences and making decisions.

While some emotions, like joy, are pleasant and sought after, others, such as sadness or anger, are more challenging to endure. However, just because an emotion is difficult to live with does not inherently make it negative. Each emotion has a specific function and significance, contributing to our well-being and survival.

What Emotions Tell Us

Fear is an emotion that alerts us to perceived danger. Imagine a world without fear: crossing the road would become perilous as we wouldn't recognise the threat of an approaching car. The goal of having "no fear" is unrealistic and potentially dangerous. Fear, when it alerts us to real threats, is crucial in helping us navigate safely through a world with genuine dangers.

Anger is often frowned upon, but it is essential to distinguish between anger and aggression. While aggression is destructive, anger can signal that we perceive something as unfair or unjust. This emotion can catalyse change, motivating us to address and rectify wrongs. However, it is vital to manage anger constructively, ensuring that we control it rather than being controlled by it.

Many people try to avoid sadness, often equating it with depression. Yet sadness tells us that we have lost something or someone important. Grief, a profound form of sadness, typically arises from the loss of a relationship, a death, or a missed life opportunity. Ultimately, sadness is the price we pay for our capacity to love. Viewed this way, it is not a negative emotion but a testament to our deep connections and attachments.

Wrap up

Different emotions exist, and while some are more enjoyable than others, all emotions—heavy or light—are deeply interconnected with our lives. They provide us with essential insights and help us navigate our existence. It is crucial to honour all emotions as they are integral to what makes us human. Rather than labelling some feelings as negative and others as positive, we should recognise the value and purpose of each emotional experience. 

Would you agree?

Although some emotions are more, even more difficult to have, it might not be helpful to label them as negative. What do you think?

My Negative Feelings Series Introduces: BEING SAD

 

The Importance of Sadness

Sadness is often labelled as negative, but could this be a misconception? Does sadness, although difficult to bear, tell us something? It does. The emotions of sadness are important in how we relate to the world around us. It serves as a signal that helps us process significant life changes and losses. Understanding the value of sadness can lead to deeper self-awareness and emotional resilience.

Sadness from Losing Someone We Love

One of the most profound sources of sadness is the loss of someone we love. This can happen in the ending of a relationship or through the death of a loved one, which we call grief. When a relationship ends, we mourn the person, the future, and the shared experiences we anticipated. Grief, on the other hand, is the intense sorrow that follows the death of someone close to us. Both forms of sadness reflect the depth of our connections and the impact these individuals have on our lives. They remind us of our capacity to love and the importance of the people we hold dear.

Sadness from Inability to Live According to Our Goals

Another source of sadness is the inability to live according to our own goals and aspirations. This is particularly evident in situations where chronic pain or illness limits our capabilities. Sadness naturally arises when we can no longer pursue activities that once brought us joy and fulfilment. This type of sadness can be a powerful motivator, pushing us to find new ways to achieve a sense of purpose and satisfaction. It highlights our need for adaptation and resilience in the face of life's challenges and often triggers the need to rediscover our values.

Sadness from Losing an Object We Love

Sadness also emerges when we lose an object with significant sentimental value, such as a cherished toy or an item broken by someone else. These objects often symbolise important memories or aspects of our identity. We feel a sense of mourning for the connection they represent when they are lost or damaged. This type of sadness teaches us about the value we place on our personal history and the tangible reminders of our experiences.

A little detour

The temper tantrums we can experience when we do not get what we want now because we feel entitled to have it might look like sadness but could be seen as a lack of emotional and impulse control.

Rethink Sadness

We might think of sadness as a difficult emotion to experience, but it is not negative. It provides essential insights into our relationships, goals, and what we hold dear. By embracing sadness and understanding its role in our lives, we can develop a healthier, more balanced emotional outlook. Instead of shying away from sadness, we must acknowledge it as a natural and meaningful part of our human experience. Otherwise, we fight sadness rather than turn towards healing.

Would you agree?

Although sadness is difficult, it might not be helpful to label it as negative. What do you think?

My Negative Feelings Series Introduces: GUT FEELING

A Sinking Feeling in My Gut?

Imagine you are in a conversation. You have just taken a different stance from the other person's opinion. Immediately, you sense a "different energy" in the room. Facial expressions change, and so does the tone of voice. The other person may move towards latent aggressiveness or lash out verbally (let's not even consider getting physical).

You notice these external changes, but something happens inside you, too. Long before the other person audibly reacts, there is this "sinking feeling" right in your tummy. Some describe this as barbed wire waves, heaviness, or a poisonous octopus. These descriptions may fit your experience, but you probably have your own words. I am sure you know what I am discussing. I describe it here as the "sinking feeling."

This sinking feeling is hard to hold. To avoid experiencing it, we might avoid taking a stance, making decisions based on our values, or sticking to our boundaries. There are a couple of things we need to know:

Understanding Reactions 

The other person lashes out or shows latent aggressiveness because you responded differently from what they expected or wanted. Reactions have a purpose, and so does lashing out or latent aggressiveness. In other words, how they react is the other person's choice and has an explicit or implicit goal.

Know The Gut Feeling's Nature

The "sinking feeling" is here because you are under attack, not because you have done something wrong.

You Can't Control Others

Even if you try to never disappoint, always please, and oblige, never develop or change, you have no control over how the other person hears or sees you and how they decide to react to it. Moreover, how you live, manage your work, and build your business depends on others. By staying loyal to yourself, you will encounter this sinking feeling.

We might discover that self-development does not automatically give us a feel-good experience, as many glamour gurus want us to believe. Nonetheless, I'd rather walk my path and sink occasionally than be walked by others while sunk. Trust your gut feeling. It's a powerful guide that helps you navigate interactions and life decisions. Embrace, understand, and let it lead you towards a more authentic and self-fulfilled life.

Would you agree?

Although your gut's sinking feeling is difficult, it might not be helpful to label it as negative. What do you think?

My Negative Feelings Series Introduces: FRUSTRATION

 

Frustration!

Frustration is not an emotion we like, engage with, or want to have or see in others. It could be allowed in boys. Girls: not so much. I would love to hear from the non-binary and trans communities about their experiences. Frustration is an emotion we do not express but heavily suppress… right up until it explodes in our face and that of others.

Frustration is not Rage

Let me be clear. I am not talking about Rage – the uncontrolled emotional outburst that, according to the American Automobile Association, contributed to 218 deaths and over 12,000 injuries between 1990 and 1996 on US roads. Rage, to which almost half of the UK drivers were victims in 2018 (according to the RAC), with women (49%) being targeted more than men (37%). I am talking about the all-too-human experience of feeling angry. Frustration is universal, and although its expression changes across cultures, there is no society where this primary emotion does not exist.

The Value of this Basic Emotion

Frustration, like fear, jumps upon us as if we are befallen by it. This has value. Frustration can take control of our body and mind and gear us up for surviving the situation we are in. While fear prepares equally for a fight, freeze, or flight response, frustration leans much more heavily towards preparing for a fight.

Can – Not – Must

Frustration can be a guide, a visceral indicator that something has gone wrong—mainly that we did not get what we were looking for. This is an essential piece of information as it can make us curious about our assumptions. For example, "Is it really helpful to assume that I have to have road priority here?" Also, being aware of our frustration can help us evaluate a situation. For example, "Was it really fair that my colleague used my idea?"

Don't Suppress Your Frustration – Work with It

Suppressing frustration can have long-term effects on one's well-being. For example, it can weaken one's immune system and increase psychological suffering, such as anxiety or sadness. Frustration can also tell us about our fears, letting us notice what is benign or potentially harmful and who is friend or foe.

Although frustration can be like a lightning bolt, we have a choice about how to respond to it. We can be afraid of it, try to deny it, and be at its mercy. Or we can see it as a light that illuminates a part of ourselves we weren't previously aware of.

Would you agree?

Although frustration is difficult, it might not be helpful to label it as negative. What do you think?

My Narcissistic Partner Series introduces: THE DOPAMINE TRAP

 

Title: Understanding Dopamine Addiction and Abuse: The Neurological Rollercoaster

Introduction:

Dopamine, our 'feel-good' neurotransmitter, plays a crucial role in our brain's reward system. While dopamine is essential for motivation, pleasure, and reinforcement of behavior, its overstimulation can lead to addiction and abuse. This blog post aims to shed light on the intricate relationship between dopamine, addiction, and the consequences of its misuse.

The Dopamine Connection:

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that transmits signals in the brain and is associated with pleasure and reward. When we engage in activities that bring joy or satisfaction, such as eating delicious food or experiencing social interactions, the brain releases dopamine. This surge of dopamine reinforces the behavior, creating a positive association and encouraging repetition.

The Addiction Spiral:

While the natural release of dopamine is a healthy part of life, certain substances or behaviors can artificially spike dopamine levels. This unnatural elevation can lead to the development of addiction, as individuals seek to replicate the intense pleasure associated with the initial experiences. Substances like drugs, alcohol, and even certain activities like gambling or excessive gaming can trigger this dopamine surge, creating a cycle of craving, consumption, and temporary pleasure.

Dopamine's Role in Behavioral Addictions:

Not all addictions involve substances; behavioral addictions can also hijack the dopamine reward system. Compulsive behaviors like excessive gaming, shopping, or even social media use can trigger dopamine release, leading to addictive patterns that interfere with daily life.

The Downside of Dopamine Abuse:

1. Diminished Natural Rewards: Prolonged exposure to artificial spikes in dopamine can lead to desensitization, reducing the brain's response to natural rewards. This can result in anhedonia, a condition where individuals struggle to find joy in once-enjoyable activities.
2. Increased Tolerance: Just as with substance abuse, repeated exposure to high levels of dopamine can lead to tolerance, requiring more significant stimuli to achieve the same pleasure. This escalation contributes to the cycle of addiction.
3. Neurological Changes: Chronic dopamine abuse can lead to structural changes in the brain, impacting decision-making, impulse control, and cognitive function. These changes may contribute to the persistence of addictive behaviors.
4. Withdrawal Symptoms: When the source of dopamine stimulation is removed, individuals may experience withdrawal symptoms such as anxiety, depression, or irritability. This can further fuel the cycle of addiction as individuals seek to alleviate these negative feelings.

Conclusion:

Understanding the intricate connection between dopamine, addiction, and abuse is crucial for addressing and overcoming addictive behaviors. Whether the addiction involves substances or behaviors, recognizing the impact on the brain's reward system is the first step toward breaking the cycle and seeking appropriate support. It's essential to approach addiction with empathy, recognizing it as a complex interplay of neurological, psychological, and environmental factors, and to seek professional help when needed.

My Narcissistic Partner Series introduces: COGNITIVE DISSONANCE, YOUR NARCISSIST'S SECRET WEAPON

"I don't know why you are surprised; he's always been like this!"

This statement encapsulates others' perceptions of your life with your Narcissist. A statement you often encounter post-fallout. Those who were on the outside saw his abusive behaviours. They shook their heads in disbelief at your emotional connection. They could not understand your actions. This is, well, because they can't! They haven't lived with cognitive dissonance like you have.

Cognitive Dissonance

This is an internal ache when your beliefs and actions don't match with the life you are living. You start twisting your beliefs, attitudes, values, and actions to not feel this agony. You are finding ways to justify the other person's behaviour. And you're desperately hunting for information that can somehow ease the ache of your newfound twisted mindset. All in an attempt to numb the raw pain caused by this mental tug-of-war.

"Passing his room, I often heard him playing his computer games. I was amazed by how he sounded. So different! He was aggressive, dismissive, arrogant and condescending. I smiled at myself, knowing that I was the only one privy to my husband's true self, and I pitied the others for only seeing his faked persona. 'If only they knew', I thought. It made me feel even more special, and I loved him even more. I crushed the uncomfortable feeling that I feared the person I had experienced through the open door."

Despite noticing the cognitive dissonance, you resist changing your knowledge about your Narcissist. The discomfort of seeing him for what he truly is is too much, even in the face of hard evidence. Your mind tells you that it is 'much easier' to change your own beliefs than to change your view of the person you are addicted to.

Now, you are Stuck 

Because your decision-making ability is hampered. Every choice you make has one predetermined goal: casting your Narcissist in the light of a soulmate rather than the Dementor he truly is.

How to Break Free

Begin by doubting your thoughts about him. Actively question your thought's apparent infallibility.
"I thought that maybe, just maybe, my thoughts about him are not so true. Maybe he is in the wrong. Maybe I am getting sucked dry by a Dementor."

AND

Begin to allow yourself to acknowledge your anger:
"I had to read and re-read what he wrote about me. The smear campaign against my person was unbelievable. He maliciously unleashed a letter packed with lies and abuse onto a forum to manipulate the settlement process. And still, I could not believe it. It took me over half a year to generate anger. 'How dare I be angry?' I often thought, 'Anger makes me a bad person'. Today, I have to admit letting myself feel the anger was the key to finally accepting the hard-hitting proof of his emotional and mental cruelty and abuse. My anger enabled me to recognise the injustice he inflicted upon me. Slowly, I can see him for who he truly is."

Please note:

Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures. My blog is focusing only on Narcissism, as I have come across as a psychologist and woman. To share knowledge, we need to know more than facts, and therefore, this blog tells of women whom their narcissistic male partners have abused. 

My Narcissistic Partner Series introduces: HOW TO SPOT YOUR PARTNER IS A NARCISSIST

A beautiful young man staring lovingly at his reflection in the water is the romanticised idea in the myth of Narcissus. One that is profoundly wrong and dangerously misleading.

There is no romance in the relationship with your Narcissists. The heavenly feeling that is squirted into you at the relationship's beginning is your Narcissist's brutal way of grooming you into submission and self-abandonment. Your "simply perfect soulmate" is getting under your skin and into your soul so that he can suck the life out of you. 

Spotting the Narcissist during the grooming phase is difficult. Red flags exist. They are your unparalleled positive thoughts and feelings about him: he is "like me, just a better version" and that he "can achieve everything", is "all I ever wanted", and is omnipotent. Others are mortal, but your Narcissist exists in realms of the Gods. 

When the grooming period ends, the abuse becomes more pronounced. Now, you will be exposed to the only consistent behaviour your Narcissist has: focusing on himself. For example, the dress you are given is for his pleasure, not your joy. The support for your career is to increase his societal status, not your benefit. The sex is to fulfil his pornographic pumping, not you're longing for intimacy. "He flipped me over like a piece of meat to tell me a few days later that he felt like being raped. He left because he did not get enough sex". 

Whilst you notice his abuse and your love, he has reared you into explaining the dissonance away. You automatically think that all problems in your relationship are your fault: "maybe If I had just given into anal, he would love me again". You might get magnanimous presents and generous gestures. But they are void of the joy of giving. You feel they serve an uncomfortable purpose. Yet you are ashamed of being ungrateful. 

Your body picks up on these discrepancies. But your thoughts find an explanation in favour of your Narcissist's behaviour. "He said he is autistic. This kept me going, excusing, covering up and giving compassion for over a decade. Until he turned around and stepped on me like a pile of sh***". 

Do not trust your explanatory thoughts. They are fighting your reality: you are living with a narcissistic abuser. Notice your craving for his next shot of malignant niceness and recognition. Become aware that you are feeling the same urgency as a person craving for the next shot of crack cocaine. Notice how little he must give you to keep you going: "I always feel like a dry sponge, but a single smile keeps me going for weeks. We will be happy!" 

The bottom line is that your Narcissist's behaviour is full of red flags. But, once educated into submission, your thoughts will not allow you to see them for what they are: a warning sign to get the hell out of here. The longer you stay, the more you crave for the next shot of whatever he bestows on you. The longer he is in your life, the harder it becomes to even imagine how you can function without him. But - the reddest flag of all - is how much you have been groomed into accepting his abuse.

Please note:

Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures. My blog is focusing only on Narcissism, as I have come across as a psychologist and woman. To share knowledge, we need to know more than facts, and therefore, this blog tells of women whom their narcissistic male partners have abused. 

My Narcissistic Partner Series introduces: GASLIGHTING AND HOW TO REBUILD TRUST IN YOURSELF

Selecting the term "gaslighting" to articulate the actual experience is a bad choice to describe it. Although the movie portrayed the concept effectively, the term itself can be challenging for people to grasp at first. Let's explore an alternative description: 

"Living with an induced uncertain understanding of myself and the world
daily and in every situation."

This statement conveys the essence of gaslighting, emphasizing the impact on an individual's perception of reality. It means that every aspect of your life, experience, and understanding of situations that were once clear and certain become clouded with self-doubt. You begin questioning your memory and judgment, expressing uncertainty about things they were once sure of. Examples like "Did I really say this?" or "Did I really misunderstand him?" reflect the constant internal questioning when you are subjected to gaslighting, where your confidence in your thoughts and actions is systematically eroded.

Gaslighting has an insidious nature, particularly when orchestrated by a skilled manipulator such as a narcissist or psychopath. As time progresses under their influence, a pervasive shift occurs in your perception. Doubt becomes a constant companion, and your thoughts are overshadowed by a persistent belief that you are inherently wrong. Your go-to emotion is anxiety.

In this distorted reality, seeking assurance from the Gaslighter becomes an automatic reaction. You need their validation and sense of what is "right" and "true". Their thinking becomes how you navigate the world as your understanding feels increasingly unreliable. This dynamic exemplifies the power imbalance and psychological control that Gaslighter establishes, leaving you dependent on the manipulator for a semblance of reality.

I've seen the intricacies of adapting to living with gaslighting. The seemingly mundane task of folding underpants asked "to be done the Kondo" way, became a hurtful row when the Gaslighter no longer desired these standards. Indeed, "folding the Kondo way" now reflected the victim's supposed failure to do things correctly. And it was used to prove their uncaring nature and unwillingness to contribute to their relationship. 

Being groomed into a gaslighted reality where the once seemingly true becomes doubtful is not an overnight occurrence. It's a gradual process executed with meticulous care and unwavering consistency. This is one of the rare instances where the often elusive trait of consistency is unmistakably displayed by a narcissist. Over time, the deliberate and persistent application of gaslighting techniques erodes your trust in your perceptions, leaving you in a distorted, scary version of reality crafted by the manipulator. You have entered the Gaslighter's "other world".

Take the first step

The initial inklings often arise without clear evidence, a subtle awareness that something may be amiss. The crucial first step in rebuilding trust in yourself begins with acknowledging those faint but persistent whispers saying, "But this is not true." Trusting these small, niggling doubts becomes a lifeline, a compass guiding one back to your own perception of reality. In heeding these early signals, the journey to reclaim one's confidence and truth commences, gradually unravelling the web of gaslighting and restoring a sense of self-assurance. 

Be gentle with yourself. Remember, it was a journey into the Gaslighter's  "other world", and it will be a journey to return back to your "realness". 

Please note:

Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures. My blog is focusing only on Narcissism, as I have come across as a psychologist and woman. To share knowledge, we need to know more than facts, and therefore, this blog tells of women whom their narcissistic male partners have abused. 

My Narcissistic Partner Series introduces: SURVIVING A NARCISSISTIC BREAKUP

Breaking free from a relationship with a malignant narcissist is a tumultuous journey marked by emotional challenges, manipulative tactics, and often, a deliberate effort to destroy you to conceal their own failings as a decent human being. As a woman navigating this arduous terrain, it's crucial to equip yourself with knowledge and strategies to survive and emerge stronger on the other side. Here's a comprehensive guide to help you navigate the complexities of a narcissistic breakup:

1. Acknowledge the Reality:

Begin your journey by acknowledging the reality of the situation. Understand that the narcissist's behaviour is a reflection of their own issues, not your worth or shortcomings. You are not to blame.

2. Seek Support:

Break the cycle of isolation by reaching out to friends, family, or support groups. Sharing your experiences with those who care about you provides crucial emotional support and validation.

3. Establish Boundaries:

Malignant narcissists thrive on breaking boundaries. As you rebuild your life, establish clear boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. Limit or cut off contact if necessary.

4. Focus on Self-Care:

Reclaiming your sense of self requires prioritizing self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy, invest time in hobbies, and nurture your physical and mental well-being.

5. Professional Help:

Consider seeking therapy or counselling to navigate the emotional aftermath of a narcissistic breakup. A mental health professional can provide guidance, support, and coping strategies tailored to your situation.

6. Journaling:

Document your thoughts and emotions in a journal to gain clarity and track your progress. Journaling serves as a therapeutic outlet for expressing yourself without judgment.

7. Recognize Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation:

Understand the tactics of gaslighting and emotional manipulation employed by narcissists. Recognise when these tactics distort your reality and maintain a clear understanding of the truth.

8. Navigate Financial Manipulation:

Protect yourself financially by gathering evidence, consulting legal advice, staying informed, maintaining emotional distance, and seeking mediation and support if necessary.

9. Recognize Manipulative Relationship Overlaps:

Be prepared for the introduction of a new person into your life as a manipulative tactic. Maintain emotional boundaries, focus on your healing, limit contact, and seek support from friends, family, or support groups.

10. Navigate the Victim Card and Manipulation:

Understand the narcissist's adeptness at playing the victim. Trust your experience, set clear boundaries, seek validation, avoid gaslighting traps, focus on your healing, and communicate openly with legal professionals if needed.

11. Surviving the Destruction:

Acknowledge that the narcissist may attempt to destroy your self-esteem, reputation, or sense of worth. Recognize these destructive efforts as a desperate attempt to hide their own failings as a decent human being.

In the journey of surviving a narcissistic breakup, remember that your worth is intrinsic and not defined by the distorted perceptions of a narcissist. By implementing these strategies and prioritizing your well-being, you can reclaim your identity, heal from emotional wounds, and build a life free from the toxic influence of a malignant narcissist.

Please note:

Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures.

My blog is focusing only on Narcissism, as I have come across as a psychologist and woman. To share knowledge, we need to know more than facts, and therefore, this blog tells of women whom their narcissistic male partners have abused.