A beautiful young man staring lovingly at his reflection in the water is the romanticised idea in the myth of Narcissus. One that is profoundly wrong and dangerously misleading.
There is no romance in the relationship with your Narcissists. The heavenly feeling that is squirted into you at the relationship's beginning is your Narcissist's brutal way of grooming you into submission and self-abandonment. Your "simply perfect soulmate" is getting under your skin and into your soul so that he can suck the life out of you.
Spotting the Narcissist during the grooming phase is difficult. Red flags exist. They are your unparalleled positive thoughts and feelings about him: he is "like me, just a better version" and that he "can achieve everything", is "all I ever wanted", and is omnipotent. Others are mortal, but your Narcissist exists in realms of the Gods.
When the grooming period ends, the abuse becomes more pronounced. Now, you will be exposed to the only consistent behaviour your Narcissist has: focusing on himself. For example, the dress you are given is for his pleasure, not your joy. The support for your career is to increase his societal status, not your benefit. The sex is to fulfil his pornographic pumping, not you're longing for intimacy. "He flipped me over like a piece of meat to tell me a few days later that he felt like being raped. He left because he did not get enough sex".
Whilst you notice his abuse and your love, he has reared you into explaining the dissonance away. You automatically think that all problems in your relationship are your fault: "maybe If I had just given into anal, he would love me again". You might get magnanimous presents and generous gestures. But they are void of the joy of giving. You feel they serve an uncomfortable purpose. Yet you are ashamed of being ungrateful.
Your body picks up on these discrepancies. But your thoughts find an explanation in favour of your Narcissist's behaviour. "He said he is autistic. This kept me going, excusing, covering up and giving compassion for over a decade. Until he turned around and stepped on me like a pile of sh***".
Do not trust your explanatory thoughts. They are fighting your reality: you are living with a narcissistic abuser. Notice your craving for his next shot of malignant niceness and recognition. Become aware that you are feeling the same urgency as a person craving for the next shot of crack cocaine. Notice how little he must give you to keep you going: "I always feel like a dry sponge, but a single smile keeps me going for weeks. We will be happy!"
The bottom line is that your Narcissist's behaviour is full of red flags. But, once educated into submission, your thoughts will not allow you to see them for what they are: a warning sign to get the hell out of here. The longer you stay, the more you crave for the next shot of whatever he bestows on you. The longer he is in your life, the harder it becomes to even imagine how you can function without him. But - the reddest flag of all - is how much you have been groomed into accepting his abuse.
Please note:
Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures. My blog is focusing only on Narcissism, as I have come across as a psychologist and woman. To share knowledge, we need to know more than facts, and therefore, this blog tells of women whom their narcissistic male partners have abused.
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