"I don't know why you are surprised; he's always been like this!"
Cognitive Dissonance
This is an internal ache when your beliefs and actions don't match with the life you are living. You start twisting your beliefs, attitudes, values, and actions to not feel this agony. You are finding ways to justify the other person's behaviour. And you're desperately hunting for information that can somehow ease the ache of your newfound twisted mindset. All in an attempt to numb the raw pain caused by this mental tug-of-war.
"Passing his room, I often heard him playing his computer games. I was amazed by how he sounded. So different! He was aggressive, dismissive, arrogant and condescending. I smiled at myself, knowing that I was the only one privy to my husband's true self, and I pitied the others for only seeing his faked persona. 'If only they knew', I thought. It made me feel even more special, and I loved him even more. I crushed the uncomfortable feeling that I feared the person I had experienced through the open door."
Begin by doubting your thoughts about him. Actively question your thought's apparent infallibility.
"I thought that maybe, just maybe, my thoughts about him are not so true. Maybe he is in the wrong. Maybe I am getting sucked dry by a Dementor."
Begin to allow yourself to acknowledge your anger:
"I had to read and re-read what he wrote about me. The smear campaign against my person was unbelievable. He maliciously unleashed a letter packed with lies and abuse onto a forum to manipulate the settlement process. And still, I could not believe it. It took me over half a year to generate anger. 'How dare I be angry?' I often thought, 'Anger makes me a bad person'. Today, I have to admit letting myself feel the anger was the key to finally accepting the hard-hitting proof of his emotional and mental cruelty and abuse. My anger enabled me to recognise the injustice he inflicted upon me. Slowly, I can see him for who he truly is."
"Passing his room, I often heard him playing his computer games. I was amazed by how he sounded. So different! He was aggressive, dismissive, arrogant and condescending. I smiled at myself, knowing that I was the only one privy to my husband's true self, and I pitied the others for only seeing his faked persona. 'If only they knew', I thought. It made me feel even more special, and I loved him even more. I crushed the uncomfortable feeling that I feared the person I had experienced through the open door."
Despite noticing the cognitive dissonance, you resist changing your knowledge about your Narcissist. The discomfort of seeing him for what he truly is is too much, even in the face of hard evidence. Your mind tells you that it is 'much easier' to change your own beliefs than to change your view of the person you are addicted to.
Now, you are Stuck
Because your decision-making ability is hampered. Every choice you make has one predetermined goal: casting your Narcissist in the light of a soulmate rather than the Dementor he truly is.
How to Break Free
"I thought that maybe, just maybe, my thoughts about him are not so true. Maybe he is in the wrong. Maybe I am getting sucked dry by a Dementor."
AND
Begin to allow yourself to acknowledge your anger:
"I had to read and re-read what he wrote about me. The smear campaign against my person was unbelievable. He maliciously unleashed a letter packed with lies and abuse onto a forum to manipulate the settlement process. And still, I could not believe it. It took me over half a year to generate anger. 'How dare I be angry?' I often thought, 'Anger makes me a bad person'. Today, I have to admit letting myself feel the anger was the key to finally accepting the hard-hitting proof of his emotional and mental cruelty and abuse. My anger enabled me to recognise the injustice he inflicted upon me. Slowly, I can see him for who he truly is."
Please note:
Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures. My blog is focusing only on Narcissism, as I have come across as a psychologist and woman. To share knowledge, we need to know more than facts, and therefore, this blog tells of women whom their narcissistic male partners have abused.