My Narcissistic Partner Series introduces: COGNITIVE DISSONANCE, YOUR NARCISSIST'S SECRET WEAPON

"I don't know why you are surprised; he's always been like this!"

This statement encapsulates others' perceptions of your life with your Narcissist. A statement you often encounter post-fallout. Those who were on the outside saw his abusive behaviours. They shook their heads in disbelief at your emotional connection. They could not understand your actions. This is, well, because they can't! They haven't lived with cognitive dissonance like you have.

Cognitive Dissonance

This is an internal ache when your beliefs and actions don't match with the life you are living. You start twisting your beliefs, attitudes, values, and actions to not feel this agony. You are finding ways to justify the other person's behaviour. And you're desperately hunting for information that can somehow ease the ache of your newfound twisted mindset. All in an attempt to numb the raw pain caused by this mental tug-of-war.

"Passing his room, I often heard him playing his computer games. I was amazed by how he sounded. So different! He was aggressive, dismissive, arrogant and condescending. I smiled at myself, knowing that I was the only one privy to my husband's true self, and I pitied the others for only seeing his faked persona. 'If only they knew', I thought. It made me feel even more special, and I loved him even more. I crushed the uncomfortable feeling that I feared the person I had experienced through the open door."

Despite noticing the cognitive dissonance, you resist changing your knowledge about your Narcissist. The discomfort of seeing him for what he truly is is too much, even in the face of hard evidence. Your mind tells you that it is 'much easier' to change your own beliefs than to change your view of the person you are addicted to.

Now, you are Stuck 

Because your decision-making ability is hampered. Every choice you make has one predetermined goal: casting your Narcissist in the light of a soulmate rather than the Dementor he truly is.

How to Break Free

Begin by doubting your thoughts about him. Actively question your thought's apparent infallibility.
"I thought that maybe, just maybe, my thoughts about him are not so true. Maybe he is in the wrong. Maybe I am getting sucked dry by a Dementor."

AND

Begin to allow yourself to acknowledge your anger:
"I had to read and re-read what he wrote about me. The smear campaign against my person was unbelievable. He maliciously unleashed a letter packed with lies and abuse onto a forum to manipulate the settlement process. And still, I could not believe it. It took me over half a year to generate anger. 'How dare I be angry?' I often thought, 'Anger makes me a bad person'. Today, I have to admit letting myself feel the anger was the key to finally accepting the hard-hitting proof of his emotional and mental cruelty and abuse. My anger enabled me to recognise the injustice he inflicted upon me. Slowly, I can see him for who he truly is."

Please note:

Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures. My blog is focusing only on Narcissism, as I have come across as a psychologist and woman. To share knowledge, we need to know more than facts, and therefore, this blog tells of women whom their narcissistic male partners have abused. 

My Narcissistic Partner Series introduces: HOW TO SPOT YOUR PARTNER IS A NARCISSIST

A beautiful young man staring lovingly at his reflection in the water is the romanticised idea in the myth of Narcissus. One that is profoundly wrong and dangerously misleading.

There is no romance in the relationship with your Narcissists. The heavenly feeling that is squirted into you at the relationship's beginning is your Narcissist's brutal way of grooming you into submission and self-abandonment. Your "simply perfect soulmate" is getting under your skin and into your soul so that he can suck the life out of you. 

Spotting the Narcissist during the grooming phase is difficult. Red flags exist. They are your unparalleled positive thoughts and feelings about him: he is "like me, just a better version" and that he "can achieve everything", is "all I ever wanted", and is omnipotent. Others are mortal, but your Narcissist exists in realms of the Gods. 

When the grooming period ends, the abuse becomes more pronounced. Now, you will be exposed to the only consistent behaviour your Narcissist has: focusing on himself. For example, the dress you are given is for his pleasure, not your joy. The support for your career is to increase his societal status, not your benefit. The sex is to fulfil his pornographic pumping, not you're longing for intimacy. "He flipped me over like a piece of meat to tell me a few days later that he felt like being raped. He left because he did not get enough sex". 

Whilst you notice his abuse and your love, he has reared you into explaining the dissonance away. You automatically think that all problems in your relationship are your fault: "maybe If I had just given into anal, he would love me again". You might get magnanimous presents and generous gestures. But they are void of the joy of giving. You feel they serve an uncomfortable purpose. Yet you are ashamed of being ungrateful. 

Your body picks up on these discrepancies. But your thoughts find an explanation in favour of your Narcissist's behaviour. "He said he is autistic. This kept me going, excusing, covering up and giving compassion for over a decade. Until he turned around and stepped on me like a pile of sh***". 

Do not trust your explanatory thoughts. They are fighting your reality: you are living with a narcissistic abuser. Notice your craving for his next shot of malignant niceness and recognition. Become aware that you are feeling the same urgency as a person craving for the next shot of crack cocaine. Notice how little he must give you to keep you going: "I always feel like a dry sponge, but a single smile keeps me going for weeks. We will be happy!" 

The bottom line is that your Narcissist's behaviour is full of red flags. But, once educated into submission, your thoughts will not allow you to see them for what they are: a warning sign to get the hell out of here. The longer you stay, the more you crave for the next shot of whatever he bestows on you. The longer he is in your life, the harder it becomes to even imagine how you can function without him. But - the reddest flag of all - is how much you have been groomed into accepting his abuse.

Please note:

Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures. My blog is focusing only on Narcissism, as I have come across as a psychologist and woman. To share knowledge, we need to know more than facts, and therefore, this blog tells of women whom their narcissistic male partners have abused. 

My Narcissistic Partner Series introduces: GASLIGHTING AND HOW TO REBUILD TRUST IN YOURSELF

Selecting the term "gaslighting" to articulate the actual experience is a bad choice to describe it. Although the movie portrayed the concept effectively, the term itself can be challenging for people to grasp at first. Let's explore an alternative description: 

"Living with an induced uncertain understanding of myself and the world
daily and in every situation."

This statement conveys the essence of gaslighting, emphasizing the impact on an individual's perception of reality. It means that every aspect of your life, experience, and understanding of situations that were once clear and certain become clouded with self-doubt. You begin questioning your memory and judgment, expressing uncertainty about things they were once sure of. Examples like "Did I really say this?" or "Did I really misunderstand him?" reflect the constant internal questioning when you are subjected to gaslighting, where your confidence in your thoughts and actions is systematically eroded.

Gaslighting has an insidious nature, particularly when orchestrated by a skilled manipulator such as a narcissist or psychopath. As time progresses under their influence, a pervasive shift occurs in your perception. Doubt becomes a constant companion, and your thoughts are overshadowed by a persistent belief that you are inherently wrong. Your go-to emotion is anxiety.

In this distorted reality, seeking assurance from the Gaslighter becomes an automatic reaction. You need their validation and sense of what is "right" and "true". Their thinking becomes how you navigate the world as your understanding feels increasingly unreliable. This dynamic exemplifies the power imbalance and psychological control that Gaslighter establishes, leaving you dependent on the manipulator for a semblance of reality.

I've seen the intricacies of adapting to living with gaslighting. The seemingly mundane task of folding underpants asked "to be done the Kondo" way, became a hurtful row when the Gaslighter no longer desired these standards. Indeed, "folding the Kondo way" now reflected the victim's supposed failure to do things correctly. And it was used to prove their uncaring nature and unwillingness to contribute to their relationship. 

Being groomed into a gaslighted reality where the once seemingly true becomes doubtful is not an overnight occurrence. It's a gradual process executed with meticulous care and unwavering consistency. This is one of the rare instances where the often elusive trait of consistency is unmistakably displayed by a narcissist. Over time, the deliberate and persistent application of gaslighting techniques erodes your trust in your perceptions, leaving you in a distorted, scary version of reality crafted by the manipulator. You have entered the Gaslighter's "other world".

Take the first step

The initial inklings often arise without clear evidence, a subtle awareness that something may be amiss. The crucial first step in rebuilding trust in yourself begins with acknowledging those faint but persistent whispers saying, "But this is not true." Trusting these small, niggling doubts becomes a lifeline, a compass guiding one back to your own perception of reality. In heeding these early signals, the journey to reclaim one's confidence and truth commences, gradually unravelling the web of gaslighting and restoring a sense of self-assurance. 

Be gentle with yourself. Remember, it was a journey into the Gaslighter's  "other world", and it will be a journey to return back to your "realness". 

Please note:

Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures. My blog is focusing only on Narcissism, as I have come across as a psychologist and woman. To share knowledge, we need to know more than facts, and therefore, this blog tells of women whom their narcissistic male partners have abused. 

My Narcissistic Partner Series introduces: SURVIVING A NARCISSISTIC BREAKUP

Breaking free from a relationship with a malignant narcissist is a tumultuous journey marked by emotional challenges, manipulative tactics, and often, a deliberate effort to destroy you to conceal their own failings as a decent human being. As a woman navigating this arduous terrain, it's crucial to equip yourself with knowledge and strategies to survive and emerge stronger on the other side. Here's a comprehensive guide to help you navigate the complexities of a narcissistic breakup:

1. Acknowledge the Reality:

Begin your journey by acknowledging the reality of the situation. Understand that the narcissist's behaviour is a reflection of their own issues, not your worth or shortcomings. You are not to blame.

2. Seek Support:

Break the cycle of isolation by reaching out to friends, family, or support groups. Sharing your experiences with those who care about you provides crucial emotional support and validation.

3. Establish Boundaries:

Malignant narcissists thrive on breaking boundaries. As you rebuild your life, establish clear boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. Limit or cut off contact if necessary.

4. Focus on Self-Care:

Reclaiming your sense of self requires prioritizing self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy, invest time in hobbies, and nurture your physical and mental well-being.

5. Professional Help:

Consider seeking therapy or counselling to navigate the emotional aftermath of a narcissistic breakup. A mental health professional can provide guidance, support, and coping strategies tailored to your situation.

6. Journaling:

Document your thoughts and emotions in a journal to gain clarity and track your progress. Journaling serves as a therapeutic outlet for expressing yourself without judgment.

7. Recognize Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation:

Understand the tactics of gaslighting and emotional manipulation employed by narcissists. Recognise when these tactics distort your reality and maintain a clear understanding of the truth.

8. Navigate Financial Manipulation:

Protect yourself financially by gathering evidence, consulting legal advice, staying informed, maintaining emotional distance, and seeking mediation and support if necessary.

9. Recognize Manipulative Relationship Overlaps:

Be prepared for the introduction of a new person into your life as a manipulative tactic. Maintain emotional boundaries, focus on your healing, limit contact, and seek support from friends, family, or support groups.

10. Navigate the Victim Card and Manipulation:

Understand the narcissist's adeptness at playing the victim. Trust your experience, set clear boundaries, seek validation, avoid gaslighting traps, focus on your healing, and communicate openly with legal professionals if needed.

11. Surviving the Destruction:

Acknowledge that the narcissist may attempt to destroy your self-esteem, reputation, or sense of worth. Recognize these destructive efforts as a desperate attempt to hide their own failings as a decent human being.

In the journey of surviving a narcissistic breakup, remember that your worth is intrinsic and not defined by the distorted perceptions of a narcissist. By implementing these strategies and prioritizing your well-being, you can reclaim your identity, heal from emotional wounds, and build a life free from the toxic influence of a malignant narcissist.

Please note:

Narcissists come in all shapes and forms, genders and colours, from all walks of life and cultures.

My blog is focusing only on Narcissism, as I have come across as a psychologist and woman. To share knowledge, we need to know more than facts, and therefore, this blog tells of women whom their narcissistic male partners have abused.